Paying for the sins of the past.

I will be pouring my heart out in this one, but its part of this journey.

I have an estranged relationship with my eldest daughter, which began just before my 53rd Birthday.    I wasn’t sure then what caused the rift, but have since learned that she is rejecting me to protect herself from the angry me.  

While I was living through the confusion of it in the beginning I tried to communicate with her about it through letters or emails, because she wouldn’t talk to me by phone or in person, but as reality has it, I just made the problem worse by saying things she perceived as being even more damaging.  Her responses to me, when I got them, were always very harsh and cruel, so I stopped trying.      She is the mother of my only Grand child who is now 8, who I adore.     Her and I had a really good relationship until this began.  The visits I have had with her have been few and far between and painful.  When I am allowed to pick her up, I have to park the car at the end of the driveway and my Granddaughter is sent out to meet me so her mother, my daughter doesn’t see me.  Dropping her home is the same.  She is at an age now that all this will cause so much damage.  She has heard things that her mother has said to her friends that have left her confused and unhappy and over time it has become so hard for her and I to be happy.    

I decided to try once again a few days ago to communicate with my daughter by sending her a simple message that said I was sorry for the pain I had caused her.

She replied with the most hurtful comments I have received to date.  I read it last night and was devastated.    No matter how hard I tried not to cry, I couldn’t stop it, I ended up sobbing half the night and today my eyes are so swollen I look like I’ve been in a fight and I feel like the life has drained right out of me.  I have to accept the fact that life is hard, that I don't have the answers and that I am always learning.  

Normally I would go to that dark, depressed place that I have been fighting to get out of for over 20 years, but today I thought of the healing I have done over the years and how far I have come and of my 3 other forgiving children, who I will spend Christmas with.  I got up at 1200, have had breakfast am sitting here now in my PJ’s, still tears flowing, but this afternoon I will plan my meals for today and tomorrow, as I start night duty tonight, go to my RPM class at 1800 and put into it what my body and mind will allow, go to work and do a good job caring for the mums with new babies and hopefully something humorous will happen to make me laugh before tomorrow morning.  

I am a good person with a past that is behind me.   Not just the perceived past of my daughters, but of a past that began long before that, of anger, an alcoholic abuse parent, violence, mistrust, guilt and  many things that took a long time to learn to live with and put where they belonged.    

I  love my children very much, all of them, they are so magical  and there is so much they have taught me, which I am so grateful for.  I made a promise to myself to live and learn and to forgive.  

  All the counseling I have had  in the past has helped in many ways, but has still left me responding to the pressures of life in ways that don't help any one.    This just leaves me even more empty, because I am so aware of it.   I am not looking for pity, my life is real, what has happened is real, but I'm not locked into the past.     I have been working very hard to evolve and improve throughout my entire life.     Now I  have permission to really focus on me and how I want to live, which is so positive for my mind, body and soul.  


So I will be there at that class tonight in my upside down world.  I never would have thought that a diet and exercise program would assist in healing my depression and assist my ability to deal with devastation and grief in such a dynamic way. 

Jenny